Darker days

Open for me the gates of the righteous; I will enter and give thanks to the LORD.
Psalm 118:18-20

Early this morning, we had a baby.  A sick baby.  We don't see many of these as we are in the "low risk" baby business....We don't play.  We don't pretend. Our babies are  robust, pink, crying...healthy...Not that we think we are immune. We know it can happen but are always on the look out...Always...

 Its at times like this that I feel Satan's doubt descend...Like a blanket covering my soul and whispers in my ear..."You should have known.." "You should have seen this coming.."  "Should have done this, should not have done that."  "Shoulds" buzzing around my head like angry bees...  The drone of their wings condemning me. "Your not good enough... Not skillful enough... Not worthy enough... Not ready..."  THE thief whispers and I can feel the heat of his rotting breath ...His words smother me like a wet wool blanket and I find myself gasping for air and clawing at the heaviness that has pressed in on my mind.  I replay scenes over and over..I can see paperwork and lab results that I poured over,  searching for, praying for, clues that would have given me...something... Darkness closes in and I try to escape in the liquid balm of sleep...  Yet, he is there still.  Wrestling with my subconscious, playing with my insecurities.  Such a coward is he to stalk and pounce when I am at my most vulnerable posture.  Images flit across my brain and I feel my eyelids twitch.  My breathe catches in my throat as I beg for answers, even as I struggle to empty my brain. Hot and sweaty then cold and shivering...Running, twisting... My adrenals wasted...My spirit weak.

As I come up for air, chest burning, my heart cries out,  "Lord, show yourself to me, please! Remind me that in the midst of this turmoil, angst and regret that YOU were there...YOU with YOUR purpose. YOUR control.  YOUR perfect plan.  Help me to see myself as the vessel YOU have called me to be.  A vehicle for couples as they make choices for their sweet babies...how and where.."

In my begging and weakness, My Father, quietly, mercifully,  grants me sweet, precious, relief..  "I AM", He says in my ear and I feel only His presence. I smell the aroma of His tenderness and peace. " I AM here. I AM your purpose.  I AM your control, Kelly.  I AM your perfect plan. THEIR perfect plan.  Stop fighting and rest in me.  Even in this, I AM...Stop trying so hard.  Because even as you fight him, you are fighting ME.  Do you really believe? Even now?  All those things you tell others about me. Do YOU, Kelly, believe?  Even in this? Then lift your voice to me in an offering of thanksgiving and I will meet you there."

I open my eyes and even before the words "Thank you" release themselves from my throat, I feel Satan's hold give. The heavy blanket gone.  My mind clear.  And I breathe...  How can I forget the power of thankfulness?  In ALL things give thanks, says the Lord.  Because He needs our pathetic offering of thanks?  No!    He knows the power that we posses, through His spirit within us, to thwart Satan with words and a heart of thankfulness  And yet so often, in my flesh, I deny it.

I open my mouth and my heart blooms.  "Thank you Lord for the gift of  this baby and the miracle of birth.  Thank you Lord for a beautiful couple who saw you there the whole time and for the family you are in the process of creating for them . Thank you for allowing me to experience your hand and for future "events" that will inevitably come.   Thank you for your sovereignty and promise of working all together for good.

Baby breathes and baby breathes, then it doesn't.

I am told even if the location was different, the outcome would have been the same.. Does this make it better?  Some days it does.  Some days it doesn't.  Like a birth, inch by inch, through submitting my flesh to Him, He reveals Himself to me. And even this event is a revelation.   I see that my peace isn't delivered by knowing it all or understanding it all.  It is through knowing Christ in the midst of these circumstances..Choosing to trust Him.  Choosing to hear Him, CHOOSING to BELIEVE HIM...and thanking Him for ALL things.  To allow Him to blanket me softly in a veil of silk and lace.  Lace of His comfort, assurance, and love and to rest there..even as my phone rings..again.